This post is so not what I was going to share with you for my July self-portrait. I had grand plans to take a beautiful beach portrait, a shared snapshot from Nick and I’s short (blissful) Michigan get-away last weekend. Until, that is, my camera gave me the dreaded “Error 99″ message, its shutter locking up and refusing to let go. I was left with just my iPhone to capture our vacation. Have I mentioned I am not an iPhone-grapher? I am forever reminding myself to take more photos with my phone and always forgetting. So I have four photos of our trip, when, had my camera not called it quits, I’d have hundreds. (Lesson learned to always bring a back-up body!)
When I thought about what else was a big part of my July, I couldn’t help but laugh. Ahhhh yes, creating our BABY REGISTRY. Bingo!
Upon making my first trip to Target, I had Nick in tow. I was so excited! We were going to pick out all those onesies! And cute socks! And then….well, and then we got started. No sooner had we walked down that first diaper aisle than I felt beyond overwhelmed. It wasn’t just that we had to pick a BRAND of diapers, we had to pick SIZES too. “So how many newborn-sized ones should I scan?” Nick asked. “Ummm….umm…” was my response. Because not only was there a newborn option, there was a size 1 and a size 2 and a size 3, all of them within a few pounds’ difference of each other (making the math all the more complicated). We’d only been in the store 10 minutes and already my brain was in knots!
We spent the next hour perusing those handful of aisles with me wanting to put my nose in a paper bag, so anxious had I become at all the decisions that needed made right that very second (every now and then, I can be ever so dramatic :) ). We left that day with me telling my husband that life would be a lot simpler if there were just THREE different types of baby lotion. Not SEVENTEEN.
Fast forward to the next weekend, when my best friend and mama of a 2-year-old, Tracy, came down to visit. We spent a few hours on the couch, catching up. Listening to her answer my myriad questions about labor and delivery and those first days home with a newborn, I felt her advice acting like a kind of salve for my stressed-out soul.
When she took me to Target, I let her lead the way in each aisle. The relief that came with every one of her recommendations (“No, you don’t want that sippy cup, you want this sippy cup”) made the experience drastically different. We left that day and I thought, “Hey, I think I can do this!”
Of course, that can-do attitude is in an ever-constant battle with the less-confident part of myself. The one who wants to question if I’m going to be a good mom.
When they say it takes a village to raise a child, I know it’s likely true. And when this baby comes, Nick and I’s wonderful families will be that village, I’m sure. But until then, I know I couldn’t have made it this far in my pregnancy without the guidance and support of my best friend. With every crazy question I’ve sent her, she’s buttressed my insecurities with the best kind of words. The kind that keep reminding me that yes, you can do this.
In one of my last rambling email exchanges, I confided to her about these irrational fears I’ve been having of whether I will love this child enough. “I think it’s because I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the WAY people say they love their kids. Like, since I haven’t experienced that yet, I think, “Will my amount of love measure up to other moms?” I wrote.
And in the calming words she wrote back was this gem: “Trust me, you will love your child and it will always be enough. Always.”
Tracy, I so appreciate you reminding me of this. Because I know it’s true, the same way I know it will be the mantra I cling to as I enter this unexplored world of motherhood that awaits me. All I can say is thank you for paving the way for me first.
See more of Gail’s work at www.gailwernerphoto.com. Become a fan of Gail’s work on Facebook. Follow Gail on Twitter.
Beautiful photo of you!!!! Oh yes, soooo many new things to learn about emotions to shift through. : ) Of course you’ll love your baby! Now try to get it in your head that you’ll love that baby as much as Daisy!!! (Crazy, right!?!)
Much love to you!
PS We used those bottles too!
Gail, Gail, Gail…. YOU are one WONDERFUL mom already!!! You do not need to be holding your precious baby in order to see how great of a mommy you are! Do not worry… one day at a time… and my advice after three babies? ENJOY every single day of their lives and milestones. They grow up way tooooooo quick! Lol. Can’t wait to see your little bundle of joy! :)
First of all, I agree with Betsy, this is a beautiful portrait of you! Secondly, just know that you’re not alone in being overwhelmed by all of the options in baby gadgetry. There are SO many choices it’s ridiculous. It’s great that you’ve had someone there to help you along. I have zero concerns that you’ll be a loving and wonderful mother. Not to mention awesome & fun ;)
Oh I remember the registry. I was so overwhelmed and ended up with only like 48 total items because it was too daunting, on one of the early days with Ezra I called my dear sis in law (with 6 children) for advice, she lovingly told me that God choose Jon and I to train this child up because he knew we were fit for the job, he didn’t choose anyone else, only us, so to remember always that I was made to be his mom. Those words are still on repeat in my head as im constantly praying to be a good mom I’m reminded he was created for me ;) just like yours is for your and Nick :)
If only you knew how much you sound like I did months and months ago. :) 3 months later and I feel like I’m FINALLY getting the hang of things. But every day something still challenges me a little. It just so happens it’s a little less daunting and a little more fun figuring it all out as I go.
If you ever have any questions just let me know! I know you’re surrounded by other moms (repeat moms and new moms like me) but I’m always here for you, friend!! xoxox
I can’t even imagine what that feels like, but I am pretty sure when I get pregnant one day I’ll be emailing YOU to calm my anxious mind! So great you have Tracy there for you, I know you’ll be an amazing mom:)
Ok. I have finally composed myself to comment! The first time I left Target in tears when I was pregnant, then my sister took us back and it was so much easier, so I just wanted to help and ease the worry! And you are already a wonderful mom, just by worrying whether you will be a wonderful mom! Love you!!
The emotions of motherhood…and before the baby is even here! I agree with Tracy – you will love your child so well and it will be just the kind of love that is unique between the two of you.
You know, I have so much to say about this, but instead I will link to a blog post I wrote a long time ago, when Aviv was 5 weeks old. I was also worried about whether I would love her enough and about my capabilities as a parent. Here are my thoughts (I hope its ok I’m putting it here! feel free to remove if not)
http://www.noablog.com/personal/happy-valentines-day/
I don’t really know you, but I can already tell what a wonderful mommy you are going to be! And I have a feeling the moment you see that creation that you made, you won’t believe it and you will love your baby more than you can imagine!
I can so identify with everything in this post. Being in the wedding industry, you know that it’s huge and then you get pregnant and you realize that industry is even bigger. So many choices, from what to put on your registry to how to parent your kids…so many choices. I know you are embracing this time and prepping for the kiddos the best you can…signs of a good mommy already. I can’t wait to help each other raise our little boys together, via Skype and email. It’s so exciting to be on this journey with you!!! And I love this pic, as it really does sum up a third trimester momma.
I really could not love your writing more, Gail! I loved reading through this post, and you are SO beautiful and will be such a great mom!!
You’re heart for your lil guy is already so HUGE! He is blessed to have you!
Not much else to contribute but I just have to echo what everyone has already said. You will be just fine and you *will* have that amazing love for your baby. There is nothing else like it in the world. I have no doubt that you will be an incredible mom because you are an incredible person! And remember, you have tons of mom friends here to back you up when you need it.
I definitely agree with tracy, your love will be enough without a doubt! coming from someone that had 9 hrs to plan rather than 9 mos, don’t let the “stuff” overwhelm you. It’s amazing what little you need to start with. What you do need, is definitely already rooted deep within your heart. You’re going to be an amazing mommy!!
You’re going to be an amazing mom! Don’t you worry. This world has created the idea of the ‘perfect mom’ and we all feel as though we will never measure up. However, to our kiddos…we’re more than enough, and that is ALL that matters. I also remember the anxiety I had with having Claire. I couldn’t help but think, ‘How could I love another child as much as I loved Gabe? He was my precious boy!’ Those moments quickly dissolved the moment Gabe came into the room and said, ‘Is that MY baby sister?’ It was the most beautiful thing this momma has ever heard. I knew at that moment that everything was going to be perfect. God has created an endless supply of love in our hearts…so amazing. Hugs to you!
Gail, I know you’re going to be a wonderful mom – because you’re so concerned about it. Yes, it’s scary the first time around…so much new territory…but loving him enough won’t be a problem. Here’s a little advice for you that I wish someone had told me: don’t panic if you don’t INSTANTLY feel that crazy baby love. When they laid my daughter on my chest I was shaking and chilled (my body’s reaction to childbirth) and I didn’t really want to hold her. Then I was so worried that I didn’t love her like I was supposed to. Yes, it’s a beautiful and emotional thing but that person is still somewhat of a stranger to you. Well maybe not a stranger but at least a new aquaintence. But even if that happens to you, it won’t be long before you love that little guy more than life itself. And your friend is right – it will be enough! (which, by the way, is a beautiful thing to say)
Oh Gail! You are going to be a wonderful mommy and you will definitely love him enough. Good advice – taking along an “experienced” mama to help with the registry. Having worked at Target in my previous life, I always questioned why we needed to stock 17 types of baby lotion! You are so beautiful inside and out Gail! Hope you get your camera fixed soon. xoxo
You can do this, you are ALREADY doing it! You’re already a mom and you’re already off to a great start! Stop comparing yourself to other moms (easier said than done, I know)–they have nothing to do with your unique motherhood experience!
Ps. What a sweet giraffe. Someone awesome must have picked that out for your baby boy. :)