So I’m cheating a bit with this month’s self-portrait—while these are normally shots I’ve taken (of just me) with my self-timer, I HAD to make an exception for April. Because you see, my photo bestie Betsy King just emailed this photo of me and my son from a family session we had (along with Nick) in her studio on Saturday and I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS PICTURE I WANT TO BAKE IT ON A CAKE AND EAT IT WITH A SPOON.

Already I’m finding I have far too few photos of the two of us to my satisfaction. Seeing this image is a powerful reminder of how I need to work on that in my personal life but also how important it is for us to get family pictures taken professionally every year.

The fact this image comes when it does feels like fate to me because this month is the month where I FINALLY feel like I’m getting the hang of this whole motherhood thing. Don’t get me wrong — I still question decisions I make and still worry if I’m worthy of the title of being this precious pumpkin’s parent—but six months is just SUCH an awesome age, both for him AND me. It’s been my favorite time with him yet.

This kid has fast become my pint-sized best friend and when I see this photo it reminds me I have everything I need in that sweet grin. Betsy, I cannot WAIT to see the rest of our session with you! Thank you for this incredible gift!

Every year around late winter time, I treat myself to a mini-shopping spree. It’s a bit of “I have leftover Christmas AND birthday money” coupled with the fact that, around these parts, the mall — with all its window displays showcasing the latest in spring fashion (shorts! bright colors! sandals!)— is about the only place where you can go and actually feel like a new season might just be around the corner.

My mom tagged along with me and Dean for a trip to the mall earlier this month (sidenote: There is no one on this planet I love shopping with more than my mother…) where I managed to snatch up a few new outfits, including this sweater and pants combo from the GAP. It was polka dots and stripes (my two favorite things!). Throw in pants in that lovely shade of green (aka, Pantone’s Color of the Year) and, well, I couldn’t resist the nod to spring and mod in one punch.

Then I waited…and waited…and waited for spring to come so I could slip into these new duds and welcome its arrival (along with the return of daffodils and warm breezes and wearing something—ANYTHING—besides boots on my feet.) Of course, if you’ve been paying any attention to weather in the mid and eastern half of the U.S., then you know spring is about three weeks behind. And right now? There’s eight inches of snow on the ground (STILL). It’s enough to make all of us want to pummel Punxsutawney Phil back into the ground (pffttt… early spring my ass).

So I decided I was tired of waiting. Weather be damned, if spring wasn’t going to get here, I was still going to dress the part. Which is how it came to pass on a frigid day last week that I decided to wear this new outfit of mine along with a spring trench and a pair of suede loafers sans socks. By the end of the day my feet were blocks of ice and I was chilled through, but it was worth it to offer myself that glimmer of hope that, some day soon, warmer weather will return. With it, too, days where coats and gloves and mittens will no longer be required. And I, for one, cannot wait.

PS -  I know, I know…this month’s self-portrait is decidedly a bit lame. It’s just…I had hoped by now that it would be a shot of me mimicking the Anchorman jump in my elation that SPRING HAS ARRIVED. Of course Mother Nature would decide not to cooperate, right? So here’s to embarrassing myself next month with that shot. I have never had a worse case of spring fever, that’s for sure!

PPS – And if you were wondering if I put that PS in there just to find an excuse to look up that Anchorman shot, why yes..you would be correct. Now remind me again, why aren’t we best friends already?

I hadn’t realized how much time had passed since I was last sick until I got sick again this month. Like, raging headache, achy body, stuffed-up nose, utterly exhausted sick. Only this time, all those symptoms were underplayed by the anxiety I felt about being sick for the first time as a mother.

I remember waking up one morning with that flu-like feeling that tells you, “Girlllll, this is what sick days are for—just stay in bed, catch up on your sleep, and hit the doctor up for something to make you feel better this afternoon.” No sooner had those thoughts passed through my brain then I heard my son stirring in his nursery. I felt a sense of panic overcome me: “How in the hell am I supposed to take care of a child today when I feel like I can’t take care of myself?”

And THAT, friends, is when it hit me: You are a mother now. You do not have the luxury of getting sick. You are going to have to suck it up and get up. This is your new reality.

It’s with that realization I suddenly just wanted my mom, you know? I wanted to be the child again. I wanted to be the one who got to stay at home on the couch as my mom made me chicken noodle soup and took my temperature and tucked a blanket over my aching body. Sounds selfish, doesn’t it? Yet, I doubt there is a mother on this planet who hasn’t faced this exact scenario for the first time and felt those same thoughts herself (and then realized, “Hey wait…did I ever see my mom sick as a kid? Come to think of it, no…no I did not.“)

Sometimes it surprises me how, months into this gig, the realities of being a parent can still shock and surprise you. Putting on your “mom” or “dad” hat every day is hard enough, let alone trying to attempt it all when you’re sick. Yet, it’s what we moms have to do, isn’t it?

With the help of a Z-pak, I thankfully felt like myself again in just a few days. Now I intend to do everything I can (eating right, exercising, washing my hands, making the sign of the cross any time I’m around someone sick) to avoid this scenario again for as long as possible. Which, come to think of it, 18 years without another sore throat would work out about right.

(A quick comment about my self-portrait project: I’m committed enough to this series that I often don’t care how I look when I take a monthly photo—just as long as it gets taken. This particular photo and entry is meant to capture the way I felt when I was sick. Which means I recreated it sans make-up, with bedhead, wearing a fleece jacket and pants covered in dog hair. Yep, that sounds about right.)

I remember going on my maternity leave back in October and thinking 12 weeks felt like a blissfully long time to ease into being a parent. Then I blinked and suddenly it was mid-January and I was standing in front of my closet asking myself, “Do I REALLY have to get out of these yoga pants and put a dress on again?”

The topic of being a working mom is one of those subjects that evokes so many emotions in people. Women, especially. (Google “working mom” and “guilt” and you’ll probably find 12 million hits). But, at the same time, there’s never been a better time to be a woman who wants to experience both the joys of a career and the awesome highs of being a parent—am I right?

It amazes me to think that a generation ago, I would have felt chagrined to tell someone that, indeed, I was planning on working after having my child. Did I experience a bit of this judgment myself with Dean? From a few older women, yes. But nobody my age or younger ever batted an eye at the news. That’s because I’m no longer in the minority here. I’m part of a majority now, all of us women who rise every morning and — quite simply — do our best to do it all. I, for one, consider myself lucky just having the opportunity to try.

Here’s what I’m learning about being a working mom:

• It’s the definition of a juggling act: Folks, I’ve worked two jobs for most of my adult life. I know how to juggle. But this? This is like going from juggling tennis balls to juggling chain saws. I’m finding myself planning, planning, planning to the point of absurdity, all in an effort to keep my sanity but also provide for my family the way I want to. So, if this means I’m making a meatloaf on my lunch break so it’s ready for dinner that night (and planning that meal a week ahead of time), so be it. My aim is not to let parenthood and an 8-to-5 job be the excuses that usher bad habits into our home.

• I didn’t realize how much I missed work until I came back to it: Don’t get me wrong. I loved EVERY second of my time off with Dean. Truly. But I remember my best friend telling me, “Gail, I know you. You’re going to be one of those moms who gets more energy from working than not.” And sure enough, she was right. Coming back from leave and being able to both tap back into my creative side and share my life again with my wonderful coworkers has made me feel whole. As if a small corner piece of my life puzzle was missing and now is found. Being a working mom? It’s good for me. (And I’m talking about me here, not anyone else).

• The days? They go faster than ever: So many people told me having kids would put time on warp speed. Boy were they right! Life seems to have sped up in three months’ time. While it’s hard for me to think I’m missing out on moments with my son during the week, I wholeheartedly trust the people looking after him (which allows me to rest more easily about being away from him). Nowadays I treasure the weekends more, love on my boy even harder and savor the fact that, while it’s more challenging than I expected it to be, my life is immeasurably sweeter right now. And, in a lot of new ways, it feels like it’s only beginning.

“Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” 1 Corinthians 9:26-27

Shortly after Dean’s birth, I subscribed to a parenting devotional (I use the YouVersion app on my phone if you’re curious or interested) and smiled to myself at God’s timing for the scripture above. Because not two days after I’d renewed my membership to our local YMCA, here I was reading a devotional that spoke to my earnest efforts in getting back to the gym:

“Sometimes we have to give up the good for the better. Passing up an extra helping and spending some time in the gym may be the types of activities that can make you a better parent and better witness for Christ. With the popularity of video games and the proliferation of TV channels, your kids could use a little time being active — how much better if you train yourself to go with them.”

Having a baby is the perfect excuse to keep away from working out. So is wintertime (when being outside and running in 17 degree weather is not exactly ideal conditions). But I was determined not to let those obstacles stand in the way of my desire to stay active—Nick too.

I’d quit the gym back in March, when I passed my first trimester and felt more comfortable staying at home with a few tapes and spending my summer nights walking with that baby belly of mine. So I had no idea how much I missed it until I stepped back on that treadmill again. With Rihanna crooning about finding love in my ears, I pounded out three miles and felt a runner’s high I hadn’t known in months. (When you’ve carried around the weight of a bowling ball for the latter part of a year, feeling your feet fly beneath you once more is kind of like being a filly free in a pasture.)

The next day? More sore than I’d been in years. But it was worth it to feel that release of endorphins I’d been missing. To remember what it is I love so much about being in that gym in the first place. As I left with my confidence renewed and a set of sore abs under my sweatshirt, I watched a group of little boys and girls playing Y-basketball on my way out. Then I stopped to think, “How awesome is it I get to share this with Dean someday too?”

Here we go again, you guys—an annual recap of my 2012 self-portraits. And what a BIG year it’s been! It’s amazing to me this is my third year (2010, 2011) of keeping up with this series. What a wonderful snapshot of my life it’s been and with these 36 portraits behind me, these photographs are what motivates me to keep this going for another year. Also, because so many of you have started self portrait series of your own, don’t forget to link up to yours (from the past year or for this coming month) in the comments section below!

From left to right, top to bottom: 01.12 The Beauty in the Break / 02.12 A Few Thoughts on Turning 30 / 03.12 Me and the Bean / 04.12 Oh Boy (or Girl!) Are We Excited for Fall / 05.12 We’re Having a Boy! / 06.12 The Recipe for Staying Cool / 07.12 A Few Thoughts on Baby Registries and Best Friends / 08.12 Pregnancy Sleep and Pillow Fortresses / 09. 12 The Home Stretch / 10.12 40 Weeks and Still Waiting / 11.12 Carrying this New Title of Motherhood / 12.12 Back to the Gym